Q:I'm a lesbian. My lover is transitioning, already started taking T. I am finding myself less and less attracted to him, not because he is trans but because he is a man and I am neither sexually nor romantically attracted to men. I don't know how to reconcile this - I care about him for who he is, just as I did before he began transitioning. I don't know how to handle the situation with the love and compassion he absolutely deserves, and I know transitioning is strenuous for him. Please help
I almost don’t have any advice for you. There’s a lot going on in this situation, a lot of factors you need to consider. Any course of action you’re going to take is going to be very personal to you and your relationship.
The best I can do is give you some questions to think about:
How would you handle it if you stopped being attracted to a lover for reasons not related to gender? Is this different to you? If it is, why? How important is physical attraction to you in your relationships?
Is there any way you could find fluidity in your sexuality that might make space for your lover? How much else is changing about your relationship because of your lover’s transition? Is it too much to handle? Sometimes it is, and that’s ok. We’re told that flexibility and fluidity are necessary, but you can’t force it. If the gender of your lover is really important to you, you need to think about why, and then you need to acknowledge it.
At what point in your lover’s coming out/transition process did your attraction start to diminish? Was it right after he came out, or did it only start to happen when he started on T? Is this about his male identity, or is it about his physicality confronting you with the reality of his maleness?
How would you want a lover to handle it if they found at some point in your relationship that they were not attracted to you? That they were not attracted to women at all?
Do you think your lover has noticed your diminished attraction? Might your inability to discuss this with him hurt him more than honesty? Is it putting a strain on your relationship or your partner’s joy in his transition?
Think really hard about this. Maybe you can figure out how to make it work, but you don’t have to. If you love this person, you’ll handle this lovingly, but dragging out a slow and inevitable process is usually not the most loving thing to do, especially if everyone can tell it’s happening. If you think this is only going to get harder for you, I don’t recommend that you let it. It’s good that you’re trying to give him support through this process, but ignoring your own needs helps no one in the long run.